You should have hothoused us!

It’s holidays – the 20-year-old has come home to live for a bit and we’ve had a few conversations about careers, success and what to do with one’s life.

Imagine my astonishment when both the 20-year-old (the free spirited liberal folksinger who has recently completed a BA) and the 18-year-old (read: polar extreme to the previous, ie right wing, materialistic, conservative in clothes, values, music etc) both said “we should have  been hothoused”.

What – you mean forced to play the piano or learn French or whatever as 3-year-olds? Absolutely right apparently. But I gave you lots of opportunities to learn things – you did all the sporting things, swimming lessons, cubs/scouts etc and other things when you showed interest – gym, guitar lessons, karate, circus lessons one holidays, to name a few.

Nope not enough. Haha! Believe me it felt like enough dealing with three small boys and part-time work/later full-time – remember the time when the 2-year-old fell in the deep end of the pool when you two were having lessons at the BGI?

Anyway apparently, to be successful (according to latest book by Malcolm Gladwell which I haven’t actually read) you need to start early. You need to be practising and learning all those extra skills for years and years as a child so you get really really good. Success breeds success and hard work pays off.

So I recounted this conversation to my friend and she said that exactly the same thing has happened to her. For years and years they tried to interest and cajole their daughter into learning music, which was of huge importance in their family. The girl totally refused. Now, as she leaves secondary school she says: “oh you should have forced me into learning an instrument – it’s all too late now”.

It’s a sad blow for us middle-class sap parents who wanted our kids to enjoy their childhoods. We should have toughened up apparently. Oh well – my children are going to hothouse their kids eventually, so good luck to them!

It’s the mum’s fault – she didn’t go with her gut feeling

Five years after the rest of the world read We need to talk about Kevin, I finally did it. And now I’m compelled to have “that conversation” with people – was Kevin simply evil from the start or was it the mother’s fault for not being bonded to Kevin, or why, why did he go on a murdering school gym rampage?

The first person I tried to have the conversation said (of course): “oh god I read that at least 3 years ago and it’s just fiction – Lionel Shriver is obviously picking up on the whole sensationalist bandwagon around highschool massacres to sell books”. Indeed maybe that’s why I didn’t read it at the time.

However, I also know that it’s been a talking point for several friends whose teenagers have been less than perfect angels. So for one person, their view is that some children (such as Kevin) are destined to screw up and there’s nothing that you can do about it. For another, the reason for things going so very wrong was somewhere in between – kid born different/difficult/whatever plus mother-child issues/dynamics.

My view – is that it’s the mother’s fault. Why? Because she had a gut feeling from early childhood that there was something wrong with Kevin, but she never did anything about it. Obviously her husband was completely blind to the problem, but this was an intelligent middle-class woman. Bad stuff happened again and again – she knew it was an issue.

It is fiction, but it’s also what made it not completely ring true. The simple fact that she didn’t act – she didn’t seem to have any friends to share her concerns – and she didn’t seek out her professional support or analysis. That’s what Americans do, don’t they? That’s what parents do don’t they

And the final straw really – the acid burning her daughter’s eyes – how did she continue to fail to act? Not alert anyone to her concerns? Not seek help in some way.

It is very hard to go with your gut instinct – and I guess you don’t always get it right. But I do believe that a mother’s gut feeling is essential to parenting, especially when things are going badly – and that could be a kid with behavioural issues or health problems. It’s the latter I’ve had some experience, and I do believe that when I’ve acted on my concerns, it’s usually been right!