The perfect present and staring into the eyes of the past

In the build-up to our Silver Wedding Anniversary (yes that’s 25 years) our 19-year-old said he had the “perfect present” for us. In his obsessive and self-congratulatory way we were reminded of this many times in the preceding months. What could it be? Funnily enough I thought “knives”. Silver – something practical that we clearly needed.

But no, the perfect present was a picture – a photo taken at the time of our wedding in a studio (as was the thing in times past) of the husband and I with our parents – enlarged and mounted on textured canvas. Cute! yes indeed I’ve always been obsessed about capturing our lives on film and this was a fresh new treatment.

What it did was made me really think about those people pictured on that day back  in 1984. How funny that we are soooo young (I was 26 and really believed I was pretty “old”  or “been around” by this stage).

Am I jealous?

My friends and I were discussing an encounter we’d had with a “friend of a friend” at a recent social occasion. This woman hasn’t worked since she had children and now they are off her hands effectively. She effusively told us how they (she and hubby) had three houses now (two holiday  homes) and she was about to head off to play chalet girl to the sons down south.

And so we speculate … what does she do all day? And -  are we jealous?

We agree she’s looking pretty good. So it has to be about gym, beauty treatments and hanging out with the ladies who lunch. Apparently “someone” does the garden.

Desperately seekin inspiration – again

It’s another long gap between posts. As I start on the ritual checking of my oldest son’s adventures on Jivin’ Jimmy in Japan it occurs to me again that surely one should be able to find inspiration in one’s daily life and not just take it for granted in its mundanity. Or if it’s mundane, do something about it!

There’s J in a new country where every day is a new adventure – because it’s different, the challenge of making the shower work is an amusing story in itself. I’m thinking praps I should really commit (again) to the blog thing, partly to entertain the Jimmy.

So … what can I say. The O-one has taken to recording on his podcast his uni readings – this means reading it all out loud for hours. It may well be a good idea, but he certainly does like the sound of his own voice! He came home close to 5am Saturday (propping up the bar of the old Transparent chum) but to be fair, he did manage to go out with the grandparents and assist them in buying a new TV and DVD. That’s a task that takes massive patience!

The tall-T remains permanently attached to his laptop and buried in his room. I do find it kinda strange coming home and everyone is locked off in their little electronic spaces. A call from Telstra has meant that we have finally officially upp-ed our useage so we’re not paying thru the nose for extra downloads – god know why we hadn’t sorted that before!

And the old-one is attached to the sport on the TV or cacklin over QI. No film festival for us!

Train spotting and me

It’s a mystery sometimes how your children view you. Take Friday night. I came home from a long day at work – ready to chill out in front of “NZ Top Model”.

Husband was at rugby. Middle son insisted I read law essay immediately and then didn’t like my feedback. I thought I had REALLY extended myself given that I spend all day reading, writing, editing and thinking. That’s gratitude for you!

I was really really ready to “chill lax” as my kids say.

Anyway so I got to see the beautiful young things and one get voted off, and then  the 16-year-old and I discussed movies to view or download. It’s not easy to find a common ground with a 16-year-old boy. But I know that in a few short years my baby will leave home so I must treasure these moments he wants to share with me, good caring mom that I am.

But why – why did he think “Trainspotting” would be just the ticket? He had seen it before – I hadn’t. Deliberately. Because I knew what it was about and had heard about the really disgusting bits. So who needs it?

Anyway we watched it. Actually it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. But I still don’t get quite why he thought it would be really my “kind of a movie”!

Times really r tough

oh the embarrassment as I look back at one of my occasional posts (20 July 2008) when I talked about the “tra la” around the economic crisis.

So yes, I admit it. It is a BIG deal! And I kinda regret my leap into the world of contracting as a start to changing my life.

But meantime, the middle child (yes the Commerce student and right winging type) continues to pronounce that jobs are “so easy to get”. He who has veered from discovering that selling KiwiSaver wasn’t so easy, is now full of the joys of after school care. Yes – that’s about beating 9 year olds at chess and discovering that playing soccer with primary school kids is exhausting.

How weird is that! He also has scored an internship in his second year of uni so is apparently on track for not only summer jobs, but a job at the end of the degree. So nauseating to the bros.

So an update on the BA. He’s off to Japan on the Jet programme to teach English – yay! From a mom’s perspective this means a trip o/s, a salary unlike the hand to mouth existence here and a time to grow up a bit and discover what to study next . Excellent!

What a relief. Still think he is destined to be a teacher (for a bit) [ie postgrad dip]. It’s not like it’s a lifelong commitment but a route to other things as his great grandmother, grandmother and mother have all discovered!

Wittering about Gen Y and Twitter

The media and those in my professional life – they all witter on and on about the mysteries of communicating, working with and dealing with Generation Y.

And there’s certain assumptions – oh yes all Gen Y are addicted to social networking and this is the way of the future and we all need to get up to speed or we will be left behind forever.

So here’s the funny thing, I have three Gen Y-ers in my house. They are all quite different as brothers of ages 16, 18 and 20 are likely to be.

Ask them – what do you think about social networking and they have no idea what you are talking about.

• Twitter? – never heard of it.
• LinkedIn – is that something for old people?

OK – let’s be more specific. The 20-year-old (just finished a BA let’s stereotype as liberal folksinging caring …), he uses MySpace for music stuff – to promote gigs and upload music; and Facebook – strictly back-up – to promote his music not for personal use.

The 18-year-old – about to enter second year commerce at uni – total opposite to above – obsessed by money (plan to have house by end of uni and $1m by 30), recent convert to Facebook (from Bebo) because that’s what “serious” people do.

And 16-year-old – no known social networking activities apart from gaming (arena of world unknown to mum to remotely comment upon); eratically (annoyingly) checks cell.

In short, my view remains – it’s very unwise to make generalisations about “generations”. Age, sex, culture and personality can determine behaviours. Strictly speaking, I’m a young-ish “babyboomer” but that doesn’t mean I fall into all the stereotypes that that suggests …  I believe!

And I have to wonder how much “the media” drives the concept of “social media” because they can.

You should have hothoused us!

It’s holidays – the 20-year-old has come home to live for a bit and we’ve had a few conversations about careers, success and what to do with one’s life.

Imagine my astonishment when both the 20-year-old (the free spirited liberal folksinger who has recently completed a BA) and the 18-year-old (read: polar extreme to the previous, ie right wing, materialistic, conservative in clothes, values, music etc) both said “we should have  been hothoused”.

What – you mean forced to play the piano or learn French or whatever as 3-year-olds? Absolutely right apparently. But I gave you lots of opportunities to learn things – you did all the sporting things, swimming lessons, cubs/scouts etc and other things when you showed interest – gym, guitar lessons, karate, circus lessons one holidays, to name a few.

Nope not enough. Haha! Believe me it felt like enough dealing with three small boys and part-time work/later full-time – remember the time when the 2-year-old fell in the deep end of the pool when you two were having lessons at the BGI?

Anyway apparently, to be successful (according to latest book by Malcolm Gladwell which I haven’t actually read) you need to start early. You need to be practising and learning all those extra skills for years and years as a child so you get really really good. Success breeds success and hard work pays off.

So I recounted this conversation to my friend and she said that exactly the same thing has happened to her. For years and years they tried to interest and cajole their daughter into learning music, which was of huge importance in their family. The girl totally refused. Now, as she leaves secondary school she says: “oh you should have forced me into learning an instrument – it’s all too late now”.

It’s a sad blow for us middle-class sap parents who wanted our kids to enjoy their childhoods. We should have toughened up apparently. Oh well – my children are going to hothouse their kids eventually, so good luck to them!

It’s the mum’s fault – she didn’t go with her gut feeling

Five years after the rest of the world read We need to talk about Kevin, I finally did it. And now I’m compelled to have “that conversation” with people – was Kevin simply evil from the start or was it the mother’s fault for not being bonded to Kevin, or why, why did he go on a murdering school gym rampage?

The first person I tried to have the conversation said (of course): “oh god I read that at least 3 years ago and it’s just fiction – Lionel Shriver is obviously picking up on the whole sensationalist bandwagon around highschool massacres to sell books”. Indeed maybe that’s why I didn’t read it at the time.

However, I also know that it’s been a talking point for several friends whose teenagers have been less than perfect angels. So for one person, their view is that some children (such as Kevin) are destined to screw up and there’s nothing that you can do about it. For another, the reason for things going so very wrong was somewhere in between – kid born different/difficult/whatever plus mother-child issues/dynamics.

My view – is that it’s the mother’s fault. Why? Because she had a gut feeling from early childhood that there was something wrong with Kevin, but she never did anything about it. Obviously her husband was completely blind to the problem, but this was an intelligent middle-class woman. Bad stuff happened again and again – she knew it was an issue.

It is fiction, but it’s also what made it not completely ring true. The simple fact that she didn’t act – she didn’t seem to have any friends to share her concerns – and she didn’t seek out her professional support or analysis. That’s what Americans do, don’t they? That’s what parents do don’t they

And the final straw really – the acid burning her daughter’s eyes – how did she continue to fail to act? Not alert anyone to her concerns? Not seek help in some way.

It is very hard to go with your gut instinct – and I guess you don’t always get it right. But I do believe that a mother’s gut feeling is essential to parenting, especially when things are going badly – and that could be a kid with behavioural issues or health problems. It’s the latter I’ve had some experience, and I do believe that when I’ve acted on my concerns, it’s usually been right!

The sad story of the sesame seed bun – banned!

My 15 year old son has been very disappointed with my weekly grocery shops over the last few months because I return without two items that he especially enjoys. Coffee milk (2 litres) and sesame seed buns.

A small thing maybe – but he’s  a 6 foot 4 in teen with a big appetite and my kids have always been milk drinkers and it’s a family ritual – fresh bread for Saturday lunch. The sesame seed buns actually became a favourite at the grandparents – and I imagine they have been around for decades.

But no more.

For a long time, I just thought that because I shopped reasonably early on a Saturday morning that somehow they were not putting out the coffee milk (another weekend treat) or the said buns by say 9am. Recently I decided to take action, and emailed Thorndon New World to express my displeasure.

I got a response – that was good but … apparently Fonterra has replaced 2 litre coffee milk with strawberry milk – not the same appeal at all in my household, but I have to accept that as presumably a commercial decision.

But sesame seeds. There’s a risk of cross-contamination because of the allergens associated with them so they are no longer being produced. This seems to me to be ridiculous – having to cater for the tiny tiny minority of people with a sesame seed allergy – means everyone else who enjoys the taste and health-giving qualities of sesame seeds misses out.

I feel sorry for people with allergies – but like any health issue, ultimately it’s up to the person afflicted to take responsibility for managing that condition. And sorry to sesame seed sufferers – but stopping baking buns that have been around for decades seems really really stupid.

Like – has anyone ever even had an allergic reaction because of a cross-contamination from a little bun?

May be consumers should start fighting back!

Coping with cost of living badly

With all the tra-la-la about a global economic downturn and the media wheeling out stories about how to save money on everything from food, to power, to fuel to frugal/recession fashion shopping, I feel I need to do my bit.

It only seems a few short years ago when my friends and I talked about how hard it was keeping the family supermarket shopping below $200 – today it’s more like $400 would be a nice goal.

I do now have teenage boys so that’s a big extra cost isn’t it? And, I admit that the supermarket shop does include a few bottles of wine – not strictly essentials! Actually, that’s one thing that does not seem to be afflicted by price rises – wine. There’s so many great deals – the lesson is, we can drink more wine but eat less cheese, the  price of which has continued to sky-rocket.

How else could I save money? I admit I get sucked in buying those jars of bolognaise sauce – and even butter  chicken. It’s not that I’m not perfectly capable of making my own – I could blame lack of time. However, annoying in today’s Sunday Star Times mag – in “The art of eating” Joanna Knox says members of Slow Food are some of the busiest people she knows. Dammit!

Interestingly, the saving money thing is infiltrating work. One of the people in my team has brought in a plunger and proposes we stop the buy the takeaway coffee habit and make our own. So far, that just means I drink more coffee – I can’t stop myself buying it first thing, then have another with the others when they arrive.

And what about fuel. The husband and I do our bit – we both walk to work and bus home. But … shame about the teenager who seems to be out in our car constantly. The naive husband said – oh at least he puts petrol in it. Haha. Yes – he puts petrol in it and I pay him back.

Oh well – will resolve to do better – chicken bones will get boiled up post roast tonight!